Your relationship with something is more important than the thing. Know that if you try to push out a personality quality you do not like, you are really just driving it deeper within you. Sooner or later, it will emerge again or show up in your health as some form of disease.

你跟某樣東西的關係遠比那樣東西重要。假如你想去除在個性上你不喜歡的一個特質,實際上你卻是把這個特質的根紮得越深。遲早它會重新出現成為身體健康上的一種疾病。

This idea of ‘relationship with’ is subtle and not really well addressed in a blog. It requires a conversation. In this blog, I will only give you an idea. Perhaps someday, we will meet in person and we can go into it more deeply. For now, please just stay open to what I say here and if something does not sound right to you, think of your resistance as a question, not a judgment of what I am saying.

「跟… 的關係」這個觀念非常細微,所以很難在部落格中詳細說明。它需要透過雙向的對話來解說。在這篇文章中我只能提供一個觀念。也許有一天,我們會見面,我可以做更深入的說明。現在,對我要說的請先保持開放的態度,假如有些地方你聽起來不順耳,請先把這個抗拒的心態當成一個問題來思考,而不是對我所說的立即給予評判。

Some examples:

舉例如下:

1) Imagine you feel that you get angry too often. Of course, self-control in the moment is useful, but it is not the solution. You need to look at your relationship with people and things you get angry with. Do you hold onto the idea that the person is wrong and thereby on some level justify your anger? Consider your relationship with the person. Are you trying to understand the person? Are you judging them with no room for understanding?  This will extend to your relationship with everything that makes you angry.

1) 假想你覺得你常常生氣。當下自我掌控情緒當然是有用的,但那不是解決的辦法。你需要檢視你跟那些讓你生氣的人或事的關係。你是否堅持對方是錯的所以在某種程度上你有生氣的理由?想想看你跟這個人的關係是如何。你有嘗試去了解這個人嗎?你是否毫不留情地批評這個人呢?這樣做可以擴展你跟每一個讓你生氣的人事物之間的關係。

Have you ever thought about how different the world would be if nothing ever made you angry? You will never change the world that much. What is your relationship with the world? That is the issue. Your anger is a result of an unhealthy relationship with the world.

你是否曾經想過,假如沒有任何事情讓你生氣,這世界會是多麼的不同?你是沒有辦法改變世界到那樣的程度。你跟這世界關係是什麼呢?那才是癥結點所在。你的憤怒是因為你跟這個世界有個不健康的關係。

Consider your relationship with yourself. What are you expecting of yourself? What is your relationship with your anger? Really, behavioral health is not about never getting angry. Anger is a normal part of life… Yes, even in the state of enlightenment. Then again, how long does it take you to come back into balance? Do you hold onto resentment and judgment for weeks, months, or even years? Holding onto anger is not a healthy relationship with it. Being intolerant of your anger is also not a healthy relationship with it.

考慮你跟你自己的關係。你對自己有什麼樣的期望?你跟憤怒的關係是什麼?實際上,行為的健康與否不是以能不生氣來衡量的。憤怒是正常生活中的一部分… 沒錯,既使是在見性的狀態下都存在。然而話又說回來,生氣以後你要花多少時間來恢復到平衡狀態呢?你會緊抓著怨恨與批判長達幾個禮拜,幾個月,甚至幾年嗎?緊抓怨恨不願釋懷不是與憤怒保持健康的關係。無法接受你的憤怒也不是與憤怒保持健康的關係。

Everything in life is profound… even your relationship with anger. To live better, you must look deeper. Superficial relationships with your life and with the world lead your life astray.

生活裡點點滴滴都有它深奧的地方… 包括你跟憤怒的關係。要活得更好,你必須探討得更深入。把重心放在你生活表面上的關係會導引你往迷失的方向。

2) Imagine you have a bad habit, like overeating, and you need to lose weight. You could try hard to eat less. After doing that for a while, it feels more and more like torture. Your entire focus can be on eating less and you may have some success, but the torture intensifies. Sooner or later you can no longer tolerate it, and you return to old eating habits and gain the weight back. Statistics prove that most people who lose weight, gain it back.

2) 假想你有一個壞習慣,例如飲食過量,同時你需要減輕體重。你可以很努力的減少食量。經過一段時間以後,這樣的方式越來越像是在刑罰自己。你可以把全部的注意力放在少吃一點,你可能會看見一點成效,但那種煎熬感會強化。遲早你會無法忍耐而恢復原來的飲食習慣,減輕的重量又都回來了。根據統計數字顯示,大部分的人減肥以後,體重仍會回升。

Another approach is to explore your relationship with food. Overeating, you see, is not about the food. It is about your relationship with food. Food is not the problem. Your relationship with food is the problem. Just notice what, when, and why you overeat. Also, explore other possible relationships with food. Perhaps you can become fascinated with understanding nutrition. Explore different diet approaches. Instead of focusing on your weight, focus on various relationships with food. Become your own expert. Discover what works for you. You may even eventually view food as a gateway to health and feeling great.

另一種辦法是探索你和食物之間的關係。過度飲食,你想想看,跟食物本身是沒有關係的,而是跟你與食物之間的關係有關連。食物本身不是問題所在,你與食物之間的關係才是問題所在。注意自己在什麼狀況下,什麼時候,還有為什麼你飲食過度。還有,探究你與食物之間其他可能的關係。也許你會因此而對營養學著迷。研究不同的飲食理念,不要把重心放在你的體重上,取而代之,把重心放在與食物的各種不同的關係上。成為你自己的飲食專家。研究哪種方式適合你。你甚至有可能把食物當成達到健康的一種途徑,並且感覺通體舒暢。

Please understand that the best way to heal something is to develop a healthy relationship with it. In other words, the thing changes best by developing a healthy relationship with the thing. If your relationship with a problem concerning yourself or with another person is unhealthy, you only make the problem worse. Also understand that ‘a healthy relationship with’ something does not necessarily mean you like that thing. It may mean that you stay away from that thing. It may, in some cases, even mean that you attack the thing.

請了解一點,要治癒某種毛病(習性)最好的方法就是跟它建立一個健康的關係。換句話說,那個習性最容易改變是透過與它建立一個健康的關係。假如你跟你自己的問題之間的關係,或是你與他人相處的問題之間的關係是不健康的,你只會把問題嚴重化。同時要了解另一點,「建立健康的關係」並不一定代表你要喜歡那個東西,它有可能代表你要遠離那個東西。在某些情況下,它甚至有可能表示你應該對那樣東西採取攻勢。

© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.