Is the longing to commune based in our fear of being alone?

by Michael Mamas | Saturday, August 21, 2010 | Relationship | 1 comment

It’s a beautiful question.  What does this longing for oneness really have its basis in?  Is it based in fear?  It is not based in fear.  It’s based in love, the opposite of fear.  We long to commune because it’s our inherent nature, at the depth of our being, to love.

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Our fear is what prevents us from functioning from that place.  We may fear that if we show our vulnerability, we’ll look like a fool.  So we create a facade, an overlay.  But as the psyche heals, we integrate all the different levels of our being so that we function harmoniously with our vulnerability in a fulfilling manner that is unique to each individual.  Then our vulnerability naturally interfaces with what’s occurring on the surface of our life.

The Three Levels of Motivation

by Michael Mamas | Thursday, August 19, 2010 | Relationship

We can say that motivation exists on three levels.

1) Motivation of Communion

At the source of your being, your motivations are based upon that place inside that’s already fine, that’s pure.  In that place, your motivations involving your relationships with other people are quite laudable.  They are to perpetuate the feeling of communion in love, to make things better, and to be in support of all concerned.  It’s a very positive and life-supporting sort of motivation that’s inherent to your own true nature. From that pure place, what motivates us is the desire to share that purity with others.

2) Subconscious Motivation

At the depth of even the most wicked person is loving, compassionate, and pure intent.  What they do may be totally inexcusable, but at the depth of even a murderer’s being is purity.  What happens is that as stress accumulates in the physiology, the psyche gets distorted.  What is that underlying motivation at the purest level?  It’s communion.  It’s love.  Little kids right out of the womb radiate it.  That’s why we love them.  They don’t care about belief systems, models, or identities.  All they care about is Mommy’s and Daddy’s love.  They just want to feel loved.  If Mommy says, “You’re bad if you do this,” they try not to do it.  When Mommy says, “You’re good,” they feel her love.  This is where the overlays start to take root.  Children begin to identify with whatever behavioral modality seems to get them what they long for: communion and love.  Over time, the purity of that underlying motivation becomes shrouded underneath the identity overlays.

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In our workings on a day-to-day level, we get identified with this second level of motivation; yet it, too, is hidden from our conscious mind. Getting in touch with your hidden motivations is a major part of tilling the soil of your own inner landscape.  It is very much about self-honesty.  The motivation behind what you do or what you say can be very elusive at times.

Conscious Motivation

The third level of motivation is the most superficial.  It’s the motivation that we’re clear about and comfortable with in our conscious awareness.  We believe, and tell ourselves and others, that it’s our real motivation.  You can say to somebody, “I love you,” and believe you are being honest and straightforward.  But you can simultaneously have a hidden underlying motivation that says, “I hate you,” that it is actually based on: “I hate you because you don’t love me, so I want to make you feel bad by telling you that I love you.”  But it is not stated or even understood.  Where you think your motivation comes from is actually only the surface.  Of course, simultaneously, you have the underlying pure motivation based in the longing for communion, love, and mutual support.  However, this deepest purest love is usually hidden from view, buried under the stress in the psychophysiology that creates our more superficial and distorted motivations.

Questions To Facilitate Your Inner Exploration

1. Think of a recent conflict you had with someone, and remember the things you said to that person.

2. What did you tell yourself your motivation was for saying those things?

3. Can you identify a more hidden motivation that was making a very different statement or had a different intent than what you told them, as well as yourself?

4. Look even more deeply to identify a place within you that had a deeper longing that lay at the very basis of this interaction (the place where you long for the purity of communion and mutual appreciation with that person).