I was asked to talk about respectful arguing. To start with, I must say that the phrase is a bit of an oxymoron. Isn’t there something inherently disrespectful about arguing? To have differences and to talk them out is one thing. To argue is quite another. To do so is to not only disrespect the other person, but also to disrespect yourself. How to deal with that is your decision. Personally, if someone will not speak respectfully, I choose to not speak with them at all. That carries a stronger message than reducing myself to the level of arguing. Now in some situations you may well have to make some important points. You cannot just let it go. However, if you think about it, arguing does not happen until AFTER your points are made. Feeling the need then, to argue the point goes back to disrespect. Disrespect for yourself, thinking you have not been valued, or disrespect for the other person, thinking they would not in their quiet moments give some thought to your perspective. More often than not, you are heard and honored far more than you know.
Also, once you have made your point, if the other person is not willing to sit and discuss the matter with you thoughtfully, it is a waste of time and may even be detrimental. Through arguing, people dig in their heels, paint themselves into a corner, and as a result find it even more difficult to be open to your perspective. Down deep, everyone knows that you do not win an argument by silencing the other person. You need to know that the other person really does know that. It is your job to, as best you can, stay centered in your own being, your own dignity and integrity. And rest assured they will see and respect that, even if in the moment, they were hoping to defeat you.
How do you respect another? And how do you respect yourself? By coming to rest in your own being. There you find wisdom. There you find understanding. There you come to see the dignity that lies deep within all people, regardless of how they may currently be behaving. To see that is to respect them. It certainly does not mandate giving up your own dignity by meeting them on their current behavior level, if it is not a respectful level.
Remember to give people the time and space they require. Understand that they as well as you will go out of balance at times. That is alright. But when you catch that happening, STOP. Find another proper time and space to revisit the discussion. This gives both of you the opportunity to reflect. If you agree with a person or not, you need to understand them… to understand their perspective. In so doing, you open the door to evolving not only their perspective, but also yours. Do not sell yourself or the other person short. Also remember that no one ever wins an argument. You both win by turning the matter into a reflective and respectful discussion.
Now all this must be held in the context of your own personality. How you employ these principles is something you have to find within your own self, your own mastery.
How did Bruce Lee put it? The art of fighting without fighting. Or we could say the art of arguing without arguing.
Always so refreshing.
Great, profound, beautiful, insightful, helpful! LOVE this Blog. Thank you.
Great blog! Thank you.
Beautifully put. I recall the first time you brought this out years ago, San Diego, I believe. The underlying fundamental feeling carries a long lasting principle that seems to be the fabric of relationships.
I’ve sensed something disrespectful even in well organized formal debate.
I hope that surely debate can be conducted respectfully, but also in the same deeper spirit of what you have laid out here?
This has been an invaluable bit of advice: “Understand that they as well as you will go out of balance at times. That is all right. But when you catch that happening, STOP. Find another proper time and space to revisit the discussion. This gives both of you the opportunity to reflect. If you agree with a person or not, you need to understand them… to understand their perspective.”
It is easy for me to get caught up in momentum and want to resolve things immediately. Even though it can feel like going against my grain, many times, it is wiser to stop and wait. It gives me time and space to reflect on where the other person is coming from and usually results in addressing things from a different place.
A few years ago, I got into an argument with a brother about Consciousness being equivalent to the Unified Field. I so wish I had followed this advice then. He’s starting to look deeper now but I think he would have sooner if I hadn’t got into the argument with him. So we learn…
I wish I had had this advise given to me years ago. In our family winning an argument was the ultimate goal. Some of the arguments continued for years, causing hard feelings. These feelings and arguments have been passed on to my siblings and their children…to the point some do not know the original argument..just hold a grudge. This blog has opened another door of inner exploration. Thank you.
Great blog, it gave me a lot to think about. One of the parts that resonated in me was “Disrespect for yourself, thinking you have not been valued, or disrespect for the other person, thinking they would not in their quiet moments give some thought to your perspective. More often than not, you are heard and honored far more than you know.”
Great blog; great comments! Thanks everyone.
To trust that we all know, on some deeper level, when we are getting out of balance–it really changes the whole framework of an argument for me. It deflates some of the urgency, the desperation, the importance of assuring my “concerns” get resolved. It’s a real perspective-changer for me. So much of the bark and bite of an argument seems to be founded on assumptions about where the other person is coming from — and that what we think and feel ourselves, is of course also true! It takes time for the novel concept (that we all get out of balance, we all can tell when we’re out of balance, and that we all respect someone who stays in balance) to get through our thick skulls. It’s still working its way into mine. It’s starting to bring a sense of relief–maybe I don’t actually have to fight so much!
Joy Anna
Beautiful blog, so helpful and timely. I find myself wanting so much to express myself to others and yet, the timing isn’t always there. I’m learning how incredibly important patience and timing is, and the value of respectfully listening to others’ perspectives (both for me and them). Sometimes I fear if I listen without responding, it will be viewed as my agreeing with them when I don’t. So easy to get tipped out of balance with that fear. When I rest into myself, I can move beyond that need to “prove” myself and my points, and trust that nature will support and organize best. It helps me to remember that respectful listening speaks volumes. Everyone wants to be heard and attentive listening is rare out here, and appreciated more than we know.
Isn’t it a wonder how so many feel they are not seen or heard. Don’t we all see one and other far more than we give credit for. We all see and hear. Yet many dig in their heels and refuse to be with what is.
Thank you so much for this beautiful elaboration on the art of respectful argument. To me, the hidden key is the Respect. If I remember to start there, all else is much easier.