Yes, please believe me, I do understand. They said/did something that hurt you. It made you angry so you just had to hurt them back. Once that pendulum swings, the conflict begins. They hurt you so you hurt them back. Think, The Godfather.
You have two choices. Either work out your differences (much easier said than done), allow the relationship to be damaged in perpetuity by going your own way, or allow it to inflame even more. Incredibly, that is the stuff that create global wars.
So how do you stop that pendulum from swinging? First thing is to allow yourself some time to come back into balance. That might entail biting your lip a bit. Just don’t let time drag on too long, which could perpetuate resentment.
Then, once you are back into relative balance, what comes next next? You need to say something. It may just be just a few words, but let them know that the door is open to healing the relationship, to taking the next step. Be ready for the possibility of rejection in case they are not yet ready to take that next step. If so, just give them more time. Know that the peace offering will not be forgotten. Know that no one wants war. It is just that some people have a hard time taking that next step. You can always try again with another peace offering. Note that a peace offering is not assuming a fetal position. It is not ‘giving in’ or accepting defeat. It is a mature and adult stance, not a weak one. It may be challenging for you to make the offering, and they may not respond exactly how you would like them to respond. It is a process. Your goal is to steadfastly be a respectful, mature adult. Just keep in mind that the pendulum swings and it requires some skill to get out of its way.
When the time comes that both of you are willing to talk, know that neither of you will do that perfectly. Little jabs will be thrown. An ‘honest sharing’ of feelings may be more of a cloaked blaming than an honest airing. Just remember that and handle it as wisely as possible. The possible directions a conversation like this may go are too numerous to mention. However, the concept underlying all those possibilities is the same: stay out of the way of the swinging pendulum. Do not feed that swing. You may have to tolerate a hurtful jab here and there. If it starts to feel to abusive, you can respectfully excuse yourself from the conversation, saying you need to resume it later. More than likely they will know why and will reflect upon how they behaved.
This is an art. It requires patience and practice. A great deal of it is a function of your own personal style. There is no cookbook. Giving yourself the time to cultivate this art is much of what being an adult is all about.
Very timely for me and beautifully said. Thank you!
What perfect timing for this teaching! It rounds out the conversation about hurt feelings beautifully.
so grateful ! so it is ! so let it be !
may LOVE guide your steps and your sharing !
may your day be blessed you are lightlove cathy
The swinging of the pendulum almond with seeing my relationship with the situation both coincide with my feelings and emotions around what’s going on in the World today.
Your teachings and Wisdom play a huge role around this for me that I continually need to keep in the forefront of my mind as I can very easily feel myself getting lost in the Ego based and political beurocratic views around all this terrorism, hatred and killing.
I would love to hear more from you around this as my fears, sadness and anger have been takeing a huge presence in my Being that pains my heart and mind.
Here with Grace,
Very well said.
Thank you for this post. I love hearing that it can take time, and to stay out of the way of the pendulum, and to be a mature, respectful adult.
I have already been asked and written an article on this subject. It will be posted somewhere on social media. I am not sure yet where.
Also to everyone, I very much appreciate every single comment. Please keep them coming on all the blogs and articles on all the social media sites.
As I read this, I hear, “tick… Tock, tick tock”
An important teaching.
Each example to apply, potentially offers access to many excursions of the swinging pendulum’s course. Entering this realm, in this way, gives sway to a very different navigation.
Thank you for the practical weave of personal, impersonal and universal.
It has always been evident that we contribute to the totality. More recently it is evident that the grandest gesture might be very small and in our every day interactions.
Often, I see a floor wiped in an arc, missing the corners. There is something in the architecture of our lives that requires learning to deal with the angles gracefully and efficiently.
I am a novice in this.
Many thanks, again.
I appreciate the image of the swinging pendulum. It helps remind me to understand the energetic dynamics which are operating. It is not always personal. Sometimes it is the dynamics of human life and relationship… not always easy but worth it.
This is another great Michael Mamas blog and can apply to so many different kinds of relationships. Also nested in this are a few sentences that can help a person avoid codependency: “Note that a peace offering is not assuming a fetal position. It is not ‘giving in’ or accepting defeat. It is a mature and adult stance, not a weak one.”
As a mind game, I began wondering… what if a world leader responded to an ISIS attack with an olive branch, some gesture of ‘let’s talk’? I think it would have a powerful effect on the whole world. As Michael Mamas pointed out, it would be very hard to do but I think the results would be startling.
Such a beautiful blog and as always, incredible timing. Thank you.
M. Thanks for reminding me this is possible. If it would only unfold as delicately as this … It would have changed my world and the world I live in…
I love this blog. I am always amazed at the feeling I have after navigating one of these situations. Avoiding the swinging pendulum of my own (and others) emotions to stay in communication… Really for me it is staying connected to my deeper self and staying aware of their deeper self. The rewards of knowing myself and others this way even through stormy emotions, is far and away worth the moment of self restraint it takes to stay there. Thank you for putting it so beautifully
So very true. This could heal us all as we work our way through it. It very much touches my heart and expresses my feelings in such an artful way. Thank you again and again.