This started out as a private personal letter to a friend, but I decided to offer it in an open blog:
You asked the other day if I was still experiencing kundalini changes as the Jyotishis predicted would happen this autumn. When I told you ‘no,’ I was being honest in the sense that it is not like in times past when kundalini energy flared up and was moving through my body, etc. However these recent nights have indeed been eventful.
You, of course, know how it feels to meditate. It is a state of being. Well, to try to explain what is happening to me, I would say that it is as if that state is sourced in a place beyond all that is… pulling me to it. It is not that I am afraid to go. Rather, it feels that if I let myself fully go there, I would not return. I would no longer be part of the world we share. Instead, I would go to another place that was not connected with, not a part of, not integrated with, had nothing to do with, this world. It has been said that the Krishna value is the highest value that has anything to do with the relative. I believe that is true. This world is such a tiny virtual window in the diamond of all that is.
This world we share is just a dance of illusory perspectives. There is no Truth here. Only contradictory perspectives poking, pushing, and pulling at one another. Only hollow perspective identities seeking space, recognition, validation, commonality and communion with others. It seems so futile, yet at the same time, so precious, so beautiful, and so much in need of peace and harmony, that currently, it feels necessary for me to stay here. However, at the same time, we know it will only be Shanta Durga who, in time, takes Hari and Hara by their hands to bring peace and harmony to this world. Yet, to put it frankly, in spite of that pull I feel at night, I know I still have something I am to do here. That feels as inevitable and as right as rain.
The night time pull of that place inside feels almost overwhelming, yet in the mornings and during the days, I feel more normal. Yet, still, that place deep inside that calls me feels like where I belong. It is just not time to go there yet. Maharishi once told a group of us that he will take us deep into Kaivalya. Feels like now, all these decades later, I have a better understanding of what he meant. There is no end to how deep Kaivalya goes.
If all happens according to plan, when my time comes, I believe it will be because I finally know I have done what I came here to do and it is time to just let it go.