by Michael Mamas | Saturday, August 8, 2015 | Relationship |
I was asked to talk about respectful arguing. To start with, I must say that the phrase is a bit of an oxymoron. Isn’t there something inherently disrespectful about arguing? To have differences and to talk them out is one thing. To argue is quite another. To do so is to not only disrespect the other person, but also to disrespect yourself. How to deal with that is your decision. Personally, if someone will not speak respectfully, I choose to not speak with them at all. That carries a stronger message than reducing myself to the level of arguing. Now in some situations you may well have to make some important points. You cannot just let it go. However, if you think about it, arguing does not happen until AFTER your points are made. Feeling the need then, to argue the point goes back to disrespect. Disrespect for yourself, thinking you have not been valued, or disrespect for the other person, thinking they would not in their quiet moments give some thought to your perspective. More often than not, you are heard and honored far more than you know.
Also, once you have made your point, if the other person is not willing to sit and discuss the matter with you thoughtfully, it is a waste of time and may even be detrimental. Through arguing, people dig in their heels, paint themselves into a corner, and as a result find it even more difficult to be open to your perspective. Down deep, everyone knows that you do not win an argument by silencing the other person. You need to know that the other person really does know that. It is your job to, as best you can, stay centered in your own being, your own dignity and integrity. And rest assured they will see and respect that, even if in the moment, they were hoping to defeat you.
How do you respect another? And how do you respect yourself? By coming to rest in your own being. There you find wisdom. There you find understanding. There you come to see the dignity that lies deep within all people, regardless of how they may currently be behaving. To see that is to respect them. It certainly does not mandate giving up your own dignity by meeting them on their current behavior level, if it is not a respectful level.
Remember to give people the time and space they require. Understand that they as well as you will go out of balance at times. That is alright. But when you catch that happening, STOP. Find another proper time and space to revisit the discussion. This gives both of you the opportunity to reflect. If you agree with a person or not, you need to understand them… to understand their perspective. In so doing, you open the door to evolving not only their perspective, but also yours. Do not sell yourself or the other person short. Also remember that no one ever wins an argument. You both win by turning the matter into a reflective and respectful discussion.
Now all this must be held in the context of your own personality. How you employ these principles is something you have to find within your own self, your own mastery.
How did Bruce Lee put it? The art of fighting without fighting. Or we could say the art of arguing without arguing.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Sunday, June 21, 2015 | Relationship |
If a father knows his son is with him on the feeling level, that is what is most important to the father. If the father feels the son is pushing him away, it is very painful and the father will want to pull the son in closer, control the son, all the more. The issue between father and son is not so much on the surface of what it being done day to day… it is on the deeper feeling level. The father also wants to feel that the family is close, that the kids are close and supportive, and love one another.
If it feels to the father that the kids are drifting apart, it will be painful for the father and he will try to rearrange the surface to bring them closer together, just as the father will rearrange the surface to bring the son closer to his dad and the family, if he feels the son drifting away emotionally. If the son speaks to the father from the place of love and understanding for father and shows that, through not just words, but even more importantly, tone of voice, all will be well between them. The father will feel safe in affording the son more freedom on the surface of life.
Due to emotional issues between most every father and son, this is not so easy for the son to do. Also, when the father holds power such as money or flat out verbal aggression over the son, or when the father historically does not ‘hear’ the son, it is not so easy to do.
However, if it is done, it will be heard and is the most effective way for the son to gain autonomy. It also shows the maturation of the relationship between father and son. Many people may mature extremely well in all areas of life with the one exception of their relationship with father. Yet, it is actually easy to do if the son can maintain this simple open-hearted approach… Few sons overcome their childhood issues with the father. Few even acknowledge the issues. Yet, to do so is the mark of a great man. When accomplished, the relationship of a father and son as adults is exquisite, beautiful, deep, and fulfilling for both.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Monday, June 15, 2015 | Personal Growth, Relationship, Spirituality |
Feelings are everything. Thoughts matter little. How you feel about those thoughts make all the difference. If you feel a thought is not true, it is rejected. Feel it is true, and it is embraced. Even seemingly irrefutable thoughts are, in fact, considered facts because we feel that way about them. For example, ‘two plus two equals four’ is embraced because it just feels so right. Without getting overly technical or philosophical about this, one considers thoughts to be true based upon how one feels about them.
The uniting of our thoughts with our feelings is called ‘reasoning.’ The art of reasoning, wisely and accurately, is called ‘discernment.’ Logic is rooted in discernment is rooted in feelings. Feelings are everything.
There are two types of feelings:
1) Feelings in harmony with Nature, with Natural Law.
2) Feelings rooted, not in the laws of Nature, but in conditioning, limitation, indoctrination, dogma, programming, distortions, or what Maharishi Patanjali called ‘samskaras.’ This is to say your issues, sometimes called ‘your stuff.’
Of course, most feelings are a mix of the two. Your world view is a result of such feelings. It is important to understand that these two types of feelings essentially feel the same. Even how you feel about the feeling you have is the result of these two types of feelings. In other words, you judge yourself, others, and all thoughts and emotions based upon some combination of these two types of feelings. For example, you may feel that your anger is a bad feeling not in harmony with Nature. You may feel that happiness is in harmony with Nature. But it is not that simple. The full range of human emotions can be either in harmony with Nature or not.
It is very difficult then, to know the true nature of what you are feeling. You usually consider how you feel about something to be ‘your truth.’ But is it? Is it really? As you evolve, ‘your truth’ becomes more and more in harmony with Nature. Yet it is viewed by others based upon their issues, their world view. You can justify anything with the intellect… and people do. Your thoughts (your intellect) rally around your feelings to justify them.
But it gets even more complicated than that. World views are floating around everywhere you look. You become indoctrinated by them. The thoughts, based upon whichever type of feeling, begin to indoctrinate and program you. As that happens, you believe them. You feel they are correct. You consider them to be ‘truth.’ You become convinced that the world view is ‘truth.’ You even feel and become passionate about a particular viewpoint. Lives are dedicated to such a viewpoint. ‘Education’ then, is considered greater indoctrination into that viewpoint.
So, discovering what is true is not so easy to do. But one thing is for sure, Truth dwells within you. By filtering out your indoctrinations, you find harmony with Nature (Truth) within yourself. After all, you are one with Nature. You are the Unified Field. You are one with God, though today, more and more people are taking issue with the word ‘God.’
Everything I teach is for one purpose… for you to find harmony with Nature within yourself. More than likely, that does not look like what your indoctrination has convinced you it looks like. But I am not here to tell you what that looks like. I am not here to tell you what to think. I am here to help you learn to think for yourself… not your indoctrinated self, but your True Self. Your Self that is one with the source of all life and existence… infinitely wise, intelligent, creative, harmonious and divine. Proper meditation and cultivation of the art of discernment compose that gateway.
Consider the understanding of what is written here to be an invitation to walk through that gateway. Yet it is up to you to do so. The Self is revealed to the Self, by the Self, and through the Self.
Below is a related post, with video, on Facebook.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Saturday, June 6, 2015 | Personal Growth, Relationship, World View |
A number of business people have consulted with me over the years. After speaking with a few of them, I decided to jot down some notes of the main points that come up often. I sent them to two of those people who deal with multi-million dollar deals on a regular basis. Their feedback was extremely positive: ‘I couldn’t agree more.’ – ‘Great stuff!’ – ‘I have employed those principles in every major business negotiation I have ever been involved in.’
I have not seen these principles offered in MBA programs, which tend to stick with the cold hard numbers aspect (see The Theory of Induced Blindness blog). The numbers are the easy part. They are not the art of business. I am sharing these notes with you in the same raw form I shared them with those two people.
Working Notes for MBA 101: The Essential Knowledge Not Taught in MBA Programs
- steady hand on the rudder
- its all about people
- read my last blog… theory of induced blindness
- trust issues… honey, not vinegar
- win/win is the only way to go
- same side of fence and we all win… be a player not a pain
- there is a rhythm to everything… don’t push it
- don’t shoot yourself in the foot
- business is an art… the art of people… the math must be known, but the key is the art
- get on board (or be left behind)
- fact: this all applies from a Kool-Aide stand to multi-billionaire deals
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Sunday, May 10, 2015 | Personal Growth, Relationship |
One need look no further than to a mother holding her child to know that this is not a man’s world at all. This world is held by the Mother. It is Mother Divine that holds our world together, holds our universe, holds our hearts.
Sri Vidya, Knowledge of the Mother, is known to be the highest knowledge. The Mother is the upholder of dharma. She holds us all in her heart. She understands us all. She stands-under, upholds, all of life and the entire family dynamic of humanity. It is her love and understanding that holds us all with tenderness.
On this day, we celebrate in gratitude to our mothers.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Wednesday, January 21, 2015 | Personal Growth, Relationship |
Many factors are involved in most everything… every perspective, every decision, every philosophy, etc. Disagreements arise. Not so much because of the difference in opinion, but rather on how adamant one is regarding his perspective. Usually, if one is willing to reflect, he can see at least some truth in both perspectives.
Conflicts amplify further when one overstates his viewpoint to be sure he has made it. A tug of war results. It may be feared that acknowledging the truth in the other perspective may result in losing the argument. The other perspective is then underrated. Nothing is black and white, but people try to make it all black and white. As it is said, yin creates yang… right creates left… the wheel of life goes round and round.
I recently told someone something I felt would help him… encouraging him to be bolder and move forward with his life. I knew it would stretch his comfort zone. It will be easy for him to take a stand and overstate my words in his mind – to make me wrong – to justify his current worldview. We will see what he does with my words.
Balance is the key.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Monday, January 19, 2015 | Relationship |
Always remember that what underlies anger is hurt. To only allow yourself to feel the anger is to be in denial of the real issue, namely, the hurt. Your reaction to feeling hurt is to get angry.
Allow yourself to feel the hurt. Denial (Don’t Even Know I Am Lying) is unhealthy for your psyche, physiology, and relationships.
View the About Anger Video.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Wednesday, December 24, 2014 | Relationship, Spirituality |
Fulfillment comes not from what is showered upon you, but from what you allow to radiate out from within you. To be happy simply remember to give, give, give from the heart of your Being. Life’s greatest secret, life’s greatest mystery, life’s greatest paradox is that by giving out what lies deep within, you become full. Such giving need not be overt… it need not be acknowledged… it need only be done… Remember that the greatest gift you can give another, the essence of all gifts, is understanding.
Find below some quotes about Christmas that I enjoyed, partly because they were atypical – some were funny, some meaningful, all sweet… For the anecdote to the first quote, reread what was written above.
Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.
Carol Nelson
As long as we know in our hearts what Christmas ought to be, Christmas is.
Eric Sevareid
A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away.
Eva Logue
Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
Oren Arnold
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
Author Unknown
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Thursday, September 11, 2014 | Personal Growth, Relationship, Spirituality |
You exist on many levels. On the most superficial level, you are your physical body. Some would say the physical body has attributes like consciousness, thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc.
On a bit deeper level, you are a personality that is beyond the body. The body is just a vehicle.
Some would define themselves by their work.
Some by their family and relationships.
Some by their thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.
Now you may understand all of this, but that is not enough. Take a moment to reflect and to be honest with yourself. Who are you? How do you define yourself? Do not answer based upon a philosophy that you hold true to. Do not answer based upon what you think you should believe or intellectually know. Answer based upon what you feel. Answer based upon how you live your life. Answer based upon what you feel and experience from within your own life, not based upon what you have been told. On what level of life do you put most of your energy? What level are you invested in? To find the answer, do not just think, but FEEL. Also, look at how you live your life. The term for that is IDENTITY. What level of life are you most identified with?
Now, there are many more levels to you than the ones mentioned so far. Your being exists beyond your thoughts and emotions. Take a moment to feel into that. Who are you? What are you that lies beyond thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and the “story” of your life? What part of you lies beyond all of that?
It is quite normal and healthy for your attention to move from one level to the next. Sometimes your attention is mostly on your body. Sometimes your thoughts, sometimes emotions, sometimes the activity you are engaged in. At each moment, your ‘self’ is related to on a different level. That is fine.
But there is a particular level that you identify with as ‘you’ most of the time and put most of your life force into. What level is that? Do ponder this, but do not think you have to have an exact answer.
The value of the question is in the pondering of it, not in the answering of it.
Now, there is a level beyond all the levels we have discussed so far. It is the Transcendental basis of all the other levels of not only you as an individual, but of all life and all things. Just as the earth is the basis and the essence of all the plants, the one Transcendent is the basis, the essence, of everything. It is who you really are. The eternal you. The you that lies beyond space, time, thoughts, emotions, the story. It is the source of infinite bliss, harmony, intelligence, love, wisdom, and yet it lies beyond all of those things. It is pure Is-ness. It is one with all that is. You sense it inside yourself, though you may speak of it differently.
In the state of enlightenment, that is what you know your self to be. That is what you rest into, like the idle of an automobile. The engine is always running. It is always there. But the awareness naturally rests into that.
It is who you know yourself to be. You can still act with passion on all levels of life. But you are no longer identified with anything. You are in the world, but not of it. This is not an attitude or philosophy or belief. It is a state of consciousness. You simply see the world as it truly is. The deepest mystery of life is simply self evident, obvious. You spontaneously and naturally live your life accordingly.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
by Michael Mamas | Thursday, May 15, 2014 | Relationship |
It comes down to understanding. We all share the same one humanity. To forgive is to understand is to find within yourself what motivated the behavior of another. Remember that true Oneness means being one with everything, not just the things you approve of. To be one with everything, means to understand everything. Understanding (not over standing) means standing under… Humility is built right into the word. This may not always be easy to do. Some behavior feels so deplorable that you may not even be willing to consider the possibility of finding such motivations within yourself. In such a case, true forgiveness is not possible.
Some think that to forgive, you must forget. That is not correct. In fact, it is not even a good thing to do. You must not forget. You must remember. It takes time to know another’s heart. This is done by remembering how they behave. It does not mandate judgment. But it does provide information. Do not forgive and forget. Forgive and remember. In so doing, you come to know the person better and better. In so doing, your love for them can grow… can become deeper.
It is hurtful to remember a hurtful situation. Some hope the time will come when it no longer hurts. If you think about it, that makes no sense. It is a form of denial. So remembering does not mean reliving the experience. If you burn your hand a bit under hot running water, you remember to not do that again. That is a good thing. But you do not have to relive through recollection all the pain you experienced. The same sort of remembering is important as you come to know another person. It is of course good to keep the door open for them to grow and become a better person, but it is oblivion to forget the past.
This all applies not only in your relationship with others, but also in your relationship with yourself. It is wise to forgive. It is important to remember.
© Michael Mamas. All rights reserved.
